The 1st Post

So, I know there's an about me section with a rather brief description, so I wanted to maybe write a little more background.
I battle depression. I feel like I can't actually remember a time when I didn't. The point of this entire process is to help me not only vent but also share my life in a different way. Growing up, I moved around quite a bit, and because of that, I don't think I have ever felt like I fit in anywhere. Personally, I have said that I have never cared about "fitting in," but deep down, it would be nice to have a group of girl friends. In no way am I saying that I don't have female friends, because the female friends that I do have are amazing. I've had the same best friend for 12 years now. She's more of a sister that I was blessed to come across in this life.
It's a bigger issue than feeling like I've never fit in. It's the depression. Everyone assumes that depression is just being sad. For me, it is having no motivation to do anything and not wanting to do anything besides go to work and come home. I end up doing a couple of things around the house and scrolling through social media. Clearly, that is not the healthiest thing to do, given how negative it can be. How can I be happy when all I see is people struggling to survive? How can I feel happy when I want to help but I can't because I can barely afford life as it is?
I get so hard on myself because I expected myself to be further ahead in life. My life plan included being married by 25 and having a family by, like, 27 or 28. Now I don't even want children because the thought of bringing a child into this world seems so selfish. I never, in a million years, want to ever make someone feel all the bad feelings I've ever experienced. I don't want to bring someone into the world when I don't even feel like I have my footing in my own life. I still feel like I have no control over most things that happen around me, and sometimes I can't tell if that is reality or if it's my mental illness blurring my vision.
I want to be successful. Not in the sense of having a lot of money, but I want to feel like my life has meaning. I want to feel like I have a purpose and am doing what I was meant to do. I haven't felt that yet, and I'm scared that I never will. Ok, that's the brain dump for the day.