I think I’m done with love—or at least the kind of love that leaves me questioning my worth. After this time around, I’ve realized I may never find someone who loves me the way I love them. Maybe that’s partly my fault. I have a habit of seeing the good in people, their potential, while turning a blind eye to the red flags waving in plain sight.
Looking back, I think I fell in love with someone who only existed in my imagination. In the beginning, I believed in his drive—stable job, in school, a vision of a future we could build together. But reality couldn’t have been further from the truth...
I don’t even know how long the relationship was because we never celebrated an anniversary. We never really did anything that couples do.
It was always me asking why things are the way they are, then I would get some effort. None of it was ever really consistent. One minute he was planning stuff, and we would go out the next I would feel like I didn’t exist. One minute I thought it was safe the next he was telling me I had to move out. The constant ups and downs took a drastic toll on my mental health.
Having PMDD and suffering with depression makes it hard sometimes to know what is real and what my brain is making up. A huge part of me thinks that he was using that against me. I’ve always been honest about my struggles with my mental health. I think it’s important to tell the person you are with that you are struggling. Now I don’t think it is your partner’s job to fix you or cure your mental health. I do think that it important for them to at least support you. If you know the person you are with is a social person and they are struggling to even want to leave the house, why not take the time and ask them to go to the park, take a walk around the block, play outside with the dogs. It’s those little things that show the person they aren’t alone and that someone notices they are having a hard time.
My love language has always been care taking. I never want a person to feel the ways that I have felt so I actively try and do things that will make their life easier. I don’t want to do those things when it starts to feel like it’s my job or like it's not appreciated. I don’t want to do those things when I don’t feel like I’m being loved back. I think in the entire relationship I questioned why this person was even with me and when I would ask, I would be met with deflection or being told that I was being ridiculous but was never really given an answer.
I think at the end of the day I know that I never want to feel like this again. I never want to question if the person I am with loves me. I never want to question why they don’t want to take me out and take pictures. I never want to have my insecurities thrown in my face because someone is angry. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love someone or fall in love again because I just don’t like how this feels. I don’t like feeling stupid or like I wasted my time and energy. I don’t like knowing that I was being lied to about so many things that other people probably knew.
In this next chapter, I’m focusing on me. I’ll return to the things that bring me joy, finding happiness and fulfillment within myself. I’ve learned not to settle for potential, but to value consistent actions over empty words. This chapter marks the beginning of trusting myself again, and I know I’ll be okay
*In no way am I bashing or talking crap about my ex. I could if I wanted to, but I just don’t feel the need to. I trust that how we treat others at their lowest will reflect back on us, and I’m choosing to focus on my healing rather than resentment. *
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