Let me start with, the last rant I was very emotional. It was very much in the moment for me. So, I want to go back and work through those thoughts/ feelings I had mentioned because that is what this is here for.
If you personally know me then you know and can vouch that childhood wasn’t exactly the easiest on me. Because of this, I guess I have learned unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to navigate life the best way I could. To me love has always been a top priority. I’m not even sure I’m going to explain this properly but let me try by first explain what love is to me.
Love to me is a mixture of a lot of different things. Sometimes, I picture it as a heart that has been cut into jigsaw puzzle pieces. Each piece is a different action or feeling combination and together they create what love is. Every person’s puzzle piece can be completely different from the next because everyone experiences love differently. I think there are different kinds of love you have for different people in your life. You don’t love your parents the same way you love your best friend. For me the problem lies with the fact that love has been unhealthy for me in relationships for a very long time with people that are I guess in a sense, supposed to be on my “team”. How do you create healthy, loving relationships with people outside of your parents and immediate family, if you can’t even rely on those people? For a long time, I didn’t feel safe in my emotions around people because it confused me as a child. I spent a period of my childhood living in two completely different environments. Every other weekend my life would completely change. What was ok in once household wasn’t in the other. The financial status was very different and that played a huge part. The strictness and how they choose to discipline was different. My responsibilities as a child were completely different. I was a child. It confused me. Now throw in I’m a growing female dealing with hormonal changes with what felt like no one safe to talk to. When I was put in therapy it was around the same time my parents were going to court for custody, OBVIOUSLY I’m not going to confide in a total stranger. I was under the impression that whatever I said would be told to the judge. Again, I was a child. I didn’t know or truly understand a lot of what was going on around me. I hate saying I have “daddy issues” or “mommy issues” but I think in it is partially true. I was in this situation because of them and the decisions they made. They put me in the middle of something I never wanted to be a part of in the first place and I was stuck navigating those feelings alone.
People’s reasoning behind doing something can be completely innocent but because of my life experiences it may not come off that way to me. Buying flowers after a fight may be a symbol of an apology to someone. A white flag in a sense. He may not think to just see flowers and get them because to him it’s he’s way to express he is sorry. Seeing it as “he only buys me flowers after a fight” is negative and in a partnership it’s also not healthy. Now you’re mad at him for doing something he views as a good gesture. Maybe them asking you to join them in gaming with their friends is a way to say hey I want to involve you too and not a let me just ask her, so she shuts up type of thing. Now you’re complaining he doesn’t spend time with you while always saying no when he does extend the invite into his world. I am allowing my past experiences to control my vision of the present.
It’s not our job to change anyone but I think that part of loving someone is doing things to make sure they fit into your life. You want to be comfortable and if that means adjusting how you do certain things you do that. I don’t think it’s a matter of settling, I think it’s just being human and having human life experiences with emotions. The inconsistencies can just be a result of that person going through their own emotions and life experiences that they may not want to speak about.
But at the same time where do you draw the line from growing with and settling? Where do you say you know what we tried to make this work, we tried to combine our lives, but they do not align. Just because you can go back and sit in your emotions while viewing things from the others perspective doesn’t change your initial feelings of situations. At what point is that emotional up and down too much to deal with? Is there reassurance that I am not being understanding and working through this for nothing? Where the line between making excuses and being understanding? While love is a beautiful thing, but man can humans mess things up.
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