Sometimes the years that break us teach us the most about who we are. 2024 was one of those years for me
It’s crazy because I started this blog to help me keep track of my monthly accomplishments and just random things that I wanted to vent about and overall, I have not stuck to my goal. I feel like this year has shaped me into a totally new person and I am not entirely sure that is a good thing.
I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep and just overall sad about so many things, I could not sit down and write without worrying someone. Granted maybe that could have helped me express myself instead of holding everything in and breaking down into anger in the last month.
Things I lost
I lost a lot this year. One being my cat. Anyone that knows me knows how much I loved my cat. She gave me a purpose after Covid lockdown took away my sanity. My relationship made me feel so alone so she was what kept me company and gave me some motivation to keep going even though my depression was the worst it has ever been. I lost my hedgehog. Granted I knew he was going to pass because he was old, but it doesn’t change the fact that I lost him. Like so many others my pets were what gave me a purpose and kept me on a schedule. On days that I felt like not doing anything I knew I still had to at least care for them. They gave me the unconditional love I have searched for in people and feel like I have never gotten.
I lost my faith in some of my family. I can’t really go into detail about that because I don’t want to upset anyone but there were multiple times where I thought I was doing the right thing by helping people only for their loyalty to stab me in the back with no apology or conversation about why things happened the way they did. I watched someone that I have helped multiple times allow my life to literally be threatened while they sat back and did absolutely nothing to stop the situation. I watched the man I loved more than I loved myself continue to just fully shut me out and turn into someone I just didn’t know and say some things that will stick with me for a long time.
This year took a serious toll on my mental health and has forced me to completely start over and try to renavigate what I want to do with my life.
- It made me realized that I need to make better choices about who I allow space in my life.
- I need to make better choices about the people I give multiple chances to.
- It made me realize that sometimes it’s ok to be selfish and put yourself first. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my own happiness to keep people in my life. If they loved me, they wouldn’t allow me to do that.
Things I found
But it wasn’t all loss. This year taught me about the love I do have in my life. I gained stronger friendships—real friendships. I learned that even in my loneliest moments, there are people who love me, support me, and want the best for me. I have friends who get angrier than I do when someone hurts me. I have a best friend who sees my worth, even when I can’t.
I also did something I’ve dreamed of since I was a teenager: I traveled to Italy. I checked off a bucket-list goal. I ate the best homemade pasta I’ve ever had, I finally tried a real cannoli, and I made beautiful memories with my family in places I never imagined I’d see. Sure, I might have put myself in some debt doing it—but I don’t regret it. Not for a second.
Looking forward
2024 broke me but it also taught me valuable lessons. It forced me to see all of the things that just didn’t belong in my life. I know that all the tears I have shed are lessons that I am going to carry into the new year and those lessons are going to be the stepping stones I use to better my life. I’m walking away from this year knowing that I deserve better than what I have allowed to stay.
For the next year I will
- Put myself first
- Stop apologizing for making my happiness my priority
- Rebuild slowly and give myself the happiness and love I deserve
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