How many chances is too many?
Something that I have struggled with what feels like my entire life is forgiveness. I have a bad habit of giving people chance after chance to end up with the same outcome. People that don’t bother to take any sort of accountability or even show that they are truly sorry, I have allowed to just say the words “I’m sorry” and I move on. Whether or not they stay in my life is a different story but how do you know if someone deserves another chance?
“I’m Sorry”
Those words have almost lost their meaning to me because I have been told them so many times with no change of action. So badly I want to believe someone when they say it, but I have been burned so many times over and over it is hard for me to let my guard back down. What if this person has taken accountability for their poor actions and has said they are going to do the steps to make things better, do I allow them that opportunity? I get told not to live in the past but how do I not have a guard up when sorry has been said before without the accountability? Is it different this time because they were able to see what they did wrong and together you made an action plan for further discussions?
Perhaps part of the reason I’ve been hurt so many times by these words is that I haven’t been respecting my own boundaries. But how do I set those boundaries when I am unsure of the ones to actually set? I’ve had an issue trusting people since childhood because the people I was supposed to trust spread my private information to everyone. I learned from a very young age that everything you say in confidence will be thrown in your face one way or another and used against you at any given time. Cleary that is something that has had a serious impact on how I view others and my lack of the ability to trust.
Actions do speak louder than words
How can I expect someone to prove they are sorry if I keep living in the past and constantly bring up their previous mistakes? I can say all I want that I’m giving them the opportunity to show that they are sorry but in reality, I am not giving them a safe space to even want to show they are sorry. I am creating a toxic environment of constantly shutting them down but then getting upset there is no consistency. Why would someone want to be consistent or try to be if the past is going to be tossed in their face anyways? Even if it is in joke form, it clearly has an effect on how someone feels about the situation.
Reflection
I need to figure out how to let go of the past and learn to trust. At the end of the day people make mistakes and continuously bringing up the mistakes they have made is not the way to help them move forward or learn from said mistake. It just ends up creating conflict and resentment and, in a relationship setting, having any sort of resentment for your significant other just leads to an unhealthy relationship for both people involved. Trust is something that is going to take time to build but I need to allow people the room to show that it is ok. Instead of commenting on only the negative parts of things, I need to acknowledge the positive things that a person is doing and focus on that. Maybe that will help build the confidence the other person needs to continue to try and stay consistent.
Add comment
Comments